Trust me. You are not alone! This does not make you pathetic!
The best way to learn is by simply doing. If you know of someone who likes to cook ask them to teach you! If you don't have someone to teach you then I would recommend getting familiar with some Food Network shows. Some shows that keep it simple are Alton Brown's "Good Eats", "5 Ingredient Fix", "Ask Aida" and a plethora of other great resources both on the TV and online. However, my absolute standby will always be "America's Test Kitchen". With eleven season they are surely one of the best resources out there!
In terms of books... well I honestly don't read that many cookbooks but here are some that are pretty basic, "How to Boil Water", "College Cooking", and the staple "The Joy of Cooking".
If you need the one resource to help you define ingredients you NEED "The Food Lover's Companion"! It is set up like a dictionary and describes fruits, vegetables, meats, fish, herbs, cooking techniques, tools of the kitchen and pretty much anything you can think of! It has over 6,700 entries!
Also just start googling recipes you want to try! You will find a plethora of online databases and blogs just for cooking!
But the best way to learn is by trial and error. You are going to mess up. You are going to burn or over-salt something along the way. But if you keep trying you'll find that there is great joy in present a well executed meal for your loved ones.
Just follow these two rules:
Keep it fresh.
Keep it simple.
The rest will fall into place!